[Question]{.underline}: What are the rules for Catholic courtship?
[Answer]{.underline}: Many single young adults are offended when they hear of lists of rules for dating and courtship, considering that as responsible adults they ought to be able to make their own decision in the manner, rather than being told by parents.
However, the truth of the matter is that marriage is not just a personal interest. It is a sacred institution established for the good of the whole of one’s family circle, for the good of the nation, and for the good of the Church. Moreover, it is a sacrament whose efficacy depends upon the cooperation of the couple with grace and hence “in great measure upon the suitable preparation, remote as well as proximate, of the parties for marriage,” as Pope Pius XI states in his encyclical On Christian Marriage (Dec. 31, 1930). No Catholic has the right to simply have fun in his preparation for marriage but must consider first and foremost a preparation that will enable him to fulfill his obligation to the common good of society, to his future spouse and children, and to the sanctity of the sacrament. This is the key to order and the secret to happiness in marriage.
In the above-mentioned encyclical, Pope Pius XI has this to say: “Those who before marriage were in all things self-seeking, and indulged their passions will, it is to be feared, be the same in marriage as they were before it; they will reap what they have sown, and in their home will reign unhappiness, lamentation, mutual disdain, misunderstandings, and boredom with each other’s company---worst of all, they may even find themselves with their passions still untamed.” How frequently does the priest witness this horrifying real picture. Thus the first principle is established. Courting ought never to be, as it so commonly is in fact, a self-seeking, an indulgence of the passions, an egotistical self-centeredness.
Pope Pius XI lays down the second principle when he issues this warning: “From childhood, inclinations which are evil must be repressed and inclinations which are good must be fostered and encouraged.” This means that we must all distrust our natural inclinations, which are sensuality, self-love, and self-will. This applies in particular to the preparation for marriage, given the overwhelming power of the emotions and passions that are provoked in fallen human nature by this very preparation. A constant effort to overcome them must be made, for “they that are Christ’s, have crucified their flesh, with the vices and concupiscences” (Gal 5:24). Self-distrust is essential. There is no other way for a young man and woman to respond to the gentle, quiet inspirations of grace; to self-forgetfulness, modesty, reserve, mutual respect; to consideration of others and, in particular, of the good of the extended family and society as a whole.
Once these principles have been fully understood, there need not be a list of rules for those courting in preparation for marriage. It becomes perfectly and entirely obvious that:
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there can be no Catholic dating or courting which is not a preparation for marriage, notably with a person still bound by marriage vows;
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nor can those court who have not yet attained the age, maturity, and freedom for marriage, such as those still in high school or full time undergraduate college;
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a man cannot court until he has the means to support a family, having completed the essentials of his professional or technical formation;
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a Catholic cannot court a non-Catholic: indeed, without unity of Faith the sanctity of the sacrament cannot be lived, for as Pope Pius XI says concerning the choice of a partner, “in this reflection they should give the first place to the consideration of God and the true Religion of Christ” (ibid.);
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nor can a traditional Catholic court a Novus Ordo Catholic, for there can be no unity in the practice of the Faith, and such persons customarily have radically false ideas concerning the ends of marriage, placing the personal satisfaction with the emotional relationship above the primary end of children;
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nor can a traditional Catholic even court any other traditional Catholic he chooses, but only after first determining the compatibility of convictions, ideas, spiritual life, and spirit of self-sacrifice so necessary to the success of every marriage, “not under the influence of an unreasoning and unbridled passion … but guided by a true and upright love and sincere affection towards their partner, and seeking in marriage the ends for which God instituted it” (ibid.);
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nor should young Catholics court without asking the prudent advice of their parents, to which “they should attach great value, since their mature judgment and experience may save them from making a disastrous mistake in this matter” (ibid.), and they certainly ought not to get involved in secret courting;
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courting must avoid all worldly, passionate, self-centered activities that are occasions of sin, such as dances, or worldly movies and parties, but ought to concentrate rather on works of charity, such as visits to the sick and the elderly, or assisting families in need;
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courting ought to be either in public or with a chaperone---that is, with a third person---as a protection against excessive physical intimacy;
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courting can be with only one person at a time;
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dating without courting---that is, without thought as to preparation for marriage---is extremely selfish, passionate, and frequently a proximate danger for mortal sin. A teenager has absolutely no right to have a boy friend or a girl friend, and it will greatly undermine their strength of character and development of virtue if they dare to do so.
In all other circumstances, when for any one of the above reasons a person is not free to court, he should have friendly contacts with a variety of young persons of the opposite sex, always together with others, such as in a group of friends or a youth group or a family function, and not exclusively alone with one particular person. It is the duty of parents to ensure that these principles are understood and that young people seek to discover the holy will of God concerning courting by seeking spiritual direction and by following Ignatian retreats, a powerful means to purify the soul from any disordered attachments, so as to make the right decision.
Answered by Father Peter Scott, SSPX.